It has been two weeks since George Floyd died at the hands of police officers, resulting in an outpouring of grief, heartache, and at times conflict. This event has activated the personal and transgenerational trauma of many people. It has also sparked many to examine themselves and the systems they live in that perpetuate inequities and violence against Black and Indigenous People of Color (BIPOC). We are currently witnessing the largest-scale demonstrations our country has seen since the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr. in 1968. Books addressing racism are selling fast. And difficult conversations are being had at home, among family and friends, and online.
It seems fitting that the bleeding heart plant would blossom in the yard this week. While the bleeding heart has been used to call someone overly emotional, I think instead that it has lessons to teach us about what it means to have a brave and open heart.
Unlike many flowering plants that thrive in full sun, bleeding hearts grow best in shade. Their bright blossoms emerge out of the darkest garden locations. Just like the bleeding heart, keeping our own hearts open to ourselves and others often means facing our shadows. Shadow work is the process of addressing the thoughts and feelings that we bury away. This may include the impact of personal or transgenerational trauma, false beliefs of being inadequate and unlovable, feelings of guilt, anger, shame and fear, as well as our own biases and complicity with systems that harm others. In our shadows lie the impact of the ways we have been hurt as well as the ways we have hurt others. Shadow work can be difficult and painful.
We may wonder, if shadow work is so painful, then why do it? “No mud, no lotus” is a quote from Vietnamese Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, that sums it up. Without the murky mud at the bottom of the pond, no lotus flower can grow. In order to experience the blossom, we have to address our shadows. And in order to address our shadows, we need to face them with an open and compassionate heart.
The death of George Floyd has acted as a breaking point in forcing our country to face racism. We can see this shadow work being done on a collective scale at this moment in history. And as we are faced with these shadows, the responses range from denial and anger to intense grief and sorrow to determination that things must change. James Baldwin wrote: “Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it has been faced...We carry our history with us. We are our history.” In grappling with the pain of our personal and collective histories, we have the opportunity to transform it. To release burdens and find relief. To heal, change, and grow for the better. To write new stories. To find our lotus or maybe our bleeding hearts.
To engage in any shadow work, compassion for ourselves and an open heart are essential. We can check in on our heart space in a few ways. One is to notice how we are physically holding our bodies. Is your chest feeling tight and caved in? If so, take some time to just be, to breathe into your heart space and visualize openness.
Another way to check in on our heart space is to identify our feelings. When our hearts are open, we can approach the darkest shadows with acceptance, patience, compassion, understanding and care. When our hearts are closed, we become critical, rejecting, defensive, self-righteous and may lash out - not just to others but to ourselves as well. Being open-hearted means holding space for our own and others' anger. Anger is a natural and necessary response to injustice. However, experiencing another's anger can stir up our own shadows, leading us to deflect, defend and reject even when we are intending to support. If you find your heart is closed, acknowledge your feelings. Slow down and give yourself and your feelings some space while holding them with care.
While it may seem like a contradiction, the key to successful shadow work and keeping our hearts open is understanding our need for boundaries. If you recognize that it is too difficult to engage with someone or something while keeping an open heart or you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by the close-hearted emotions discussed above, then it is a sign that some space is needed. Having boundaries does not have to mean ignoring behaviors that are hurtful or cutting people off entirely. Instead, boundaries are the distance you need from a person or situation in order to keep your heart open and intact. The distance of those boundaries may change at any given time.
When you are overwhelmed, finding your way to come back to yourself in the present moment can be very helpful. It might mean taking time to allow yourself to just be through meditation or a long bath. Or it might mean finding yourself in a more active way whether through a walk, a hike, some yoga, singing, listening to music or even doing housework. Just like in a meditation practice, while you do these things notice your thoughts and let them pass without judgment. Breathe.
With the turmoil we see in the world, many of us are naturally feeling this shadow work emerging, yet these shadows can feel overwhelming. You do not need to do this work on your own. As a therapist, I am here to help others facilitate change while recognizing their goodness and strength when it is hard for them to see it themselves.
I think the bleeding heart teaches us one more important lesson. If you have the chance to really look at one, you’ll notice that its curved stem extends out and has multiple flowers that bloom sequentially. Like a beautiful string of hearts that open one after the other until all of them grace us with their beauty. When we seek out the open-hearted people in our lives, they help us to fill our cup so that we are more able to use our open heart to fill the cups of others. Don’t underestimate the positive impact of your brave and open heart.
As you do this work, it may be helpful to remind yourself of the following:
I am good, I am lovable, I am valuable.
My shadows make me human. They teach me where I can heal and grow.
There is no need for perfection. I choose to love myself and I allow myself to grow through my mistakes.
Understanding my own and others’ suffering allows me to grow. It helps me to heal myself and be helpful to others.
I am working to keep my heart open to myself and to others.
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